Friday, June 23, 2006
pulang dari kerja shif pagi, i did some packing ..mengosongkan lagi ruang atas loteng ini..abg gee dan kak nah datang membantu membawa turun kotak2 ..ahad ini, another few boxes akan di hantar dgn kurier ke jb..well, I'll surely miss every single thing in my "upper-extraordinary" room..kembali merenung jauh keluar tingkap..hujan lagi.
half of my memories telahpun di bawa pergi..ada rasa sayu di sudut hati .usapan tangan di belakang oleh kak nah hampir menitikkan lagi airmata ni..
"dah la..jgn kenang lagi..yg penting sekarang, masa depan za dan anak2..fikir semuanya yg positif..a bright future...hidup perlu diteruskan..ok"
mengangguk lesu..terasa diri tidak bermaya sejak kebelakangan ini..i took over matron lee's responsible..sibuk menjaga staff bawahan ketika matron bercuti sakit..something feels weird lately. i keep on losing track of time...sometimes dugaan ini amat memeningkan kepala bila tugas itu dipikul keseorangan..sementelah aku akan pergi jua dr wisma ini.. aku inginkan nama yg baik tersemat di hati teman sekerja juga anggota bawahan..maybe sedikit jasa pada ke dua orang doktor pakar ini..
and yess...i lost my appetide again..for a week, nasi tidak terjamah..dunno why..
teringat kata2 gurauan seorang teman - rizal di kuantan :)
"senang je nak bela u ni..bagi je makan biskut marie..tak pun nestum..hehe ..esok2, kalau usul hantaran utk u nnti, i beri setin biskut yg dlm tu ada mcm2 jenis..mudah kan :P "
"hehe..mandai je "
"betul..tiap kali i tanya u, jawapan yg sama..pagi makan kuih, petang biskut cicah milo..x pernah dengar u kata makan nasi..hek :P"
( thanks rizal..wherever you are..di kuantan,di kelantan or ganu..moga segalanya di lindungi Allah hendaknya utk u dan family..eniwei, u ,seseorang yang pernah menghapus air mata ini dan ga pernah bosan menyemangati i untuk keep on going in this life..bahkan juga yang mengajarkan bahwa keluarga itu satu2nya harta yg paling berharga yg kita miliki di dunia ini..the only people we can count on and turn to in times of need, no matter how dysfunctional they are.. Family is a blessing from God, rite?! ;) thanks ..) "
selesai mengemas, bersiap ke majlis kenduri teman kak nah..just be there as a helper..di tegur oleh semua org kerana tubuh yg kini kian susut..everybody says i'm sick..oh well..terfikir gak dulu beriya2 untuk menguruskan badan..dari 52 kg, turun 50 kg...turun lagi ke 48 kg and now maybe 46 kg..
this matter really eating me alive inside..i can feel something wrong in my immune system nowdays..demam, hidung berdarah, bleeding gastric ulcer..and what next??
dear Rabb..... will this curse never end til the day i die? i surrender myself to You alone now, only in You i seek strength and refuge.
terkenang akan mimpi di awal pagi.. dream of the dead people..mimpikan arwah mak..again..terbangun di subuh hari dgn airmata berderai derai..seolah arwah mak muncul untuk memberitahuku sesuatu...i know she's always watching me though her form i can not see..its a peace i feel deep in my heart..that leads me to believe..my mum walks beside me..
Lapangkanlah kubur mak...
Terangilah ia dengan cahayaMu yang tiada pernah pudar...
Datangkanlah di hadapannya... sebagai wujud amal kebaikan beliau selama ini.
Kutitipkan ia padaMu Ya Allah ...
Rahmatilah hamba sebagai anak solehah, agar mampu mendoakan kedua orang tua hamba....
Sampaikan kepadanya.. bahawa hamba insan berdosa..ampuni anaknya ini..Ya Allah..
abg ngah menelefon dr jb..bertanya khabar spt biasa..selepas berbual ..airmata mula menitis..puncanya kerana terasa sayu..entah kenapa aku jadi rindu pada keluarga..rindu kan kak yong,kak de,kak yang..terasa ingin kembali ke BM...hidup gembira spt dulu..ada mak ..ada ayah..ada kakak2 dan abg...bermanja2 spt dulu..terasa ingin memutar balik ke usia anak2..
hampir setengah jam abg ngah bersembang dgn auzaie..kebanyakkannya soalan perihal pelajaran dan mencungkil rahsia hatinya..dalam kemelut rumahtangga ku kebelakangan ini, telah meletak impak yg besar dlm jiwa anak2..ya Allah..aku sedar perkara itu menimbulkan perasaan tidak puashati di hatinya..sbg ibu, naluri ini mengerti akan hati auzaie..
berontak dalam diam..dan kerana itu pelajarannya diabaikan..keputusan peperiksaan menjunam ke peratus yg merosot..pulang dr menandatangani buku repot sekolah..dia terus berdiam diri..membisu seharian di dalam bilik..dan sesungguhnya aku menyimpan seribu persoalan dan mencari jawapan sendiri atas tindak tanduk dia sejak kebelakangan ini..
merajukkah dia? tak sihatkah dia? dia marah ttg apa??
berusaha sebaik mungkin tidak memarahi..pasti kan menjadi sbb utk dia membebal diri..memasak lauk kegemaran..memujuk utk makan bersama di meja..membeli sarung tangan bola yg dia pinta..hai anak..dia tetap membisu..sudahnya aku karam dgn lautan airmata di telefon..bercerita pada abg ngah ttg perubahan auzaie yg mendadak..padaku mungkin dia memerlukan seorang utk meluah rasanya..dan iya..dia bercerita segalanya pd abg ngah dgn titisan airmata..
kupanjatkan doa yg pjg ..bentuklah keluargaku bahagia dan baiti jannati..sejahterakan semua org yg aku kasihi..
aku lafazkan semua kata-kata, keyakinan, doa, harapan dan impian seorang ibu pada anak..berikan aku masa dan hayat untuk bahagiakan mereka berdua walau tanpa ketua keluarga yg mampu membimbing aku dan menjadi bapa pada anak2ku..berikanlah aku kekuatan itu..
semoga Allah tidak membolak balik hati ini..menetapkan iman yg kekal duduknya di hati..cukup dgn kasih sayangNya mengilham diri yg seolah semakin jauh ..
"mama...adik minta ampun ma.." insan yg merajuk datang memeluk ketika aku menyidai sejadah..
si auzaie sudahpun mula tersenyum ceria semula... Syukur..Alhamdulillah..
Posted by lilsy at Friday, June 23, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Hari ini kasih datang mengetuk..
Tapi pergi sebelum pintu dibuka..
The curtain of my bedroom window swayed in the still of the night. I had left it opened so the ray of the stars could illuminate the pale blue walls of my room. I had been lying there for more than three hours and somehow my eyes remain unshut. Slowly, the sharp pang of loneliness seeped in, sketching a blurry picture on my heart. My soul began to ache and soft watery drops brimmed at the corners of my eyes. How long had it been since last had a pair of strong hands to lull me to sleep?
Well..tonight something has just reminded me again on how imperfect i am. Though it's absolutely true, i couldn't avoid getting hurt inside. I need to make peace with myself, to accept the things i cannot change. I am responsible for my own happiness. No matter how hard others might try to wake me up to see the light, it's really my ownself that's fully responsible for my own sanity and well-being.
I can't depend on other people to gain that for me..
Posted by lilsy at Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Melancholic. That's what a friend said about me. I used to be strong and not-too-sensitive. But a trauma in my past change all of it. I become more defensible, pesimisstic, a negative-thinker. That was what happened on this after-lunch-noon.
My working mate and me had a fight. A small one. Me -the sensitive lady- was so hurt. The fight ended when she saw me crying (not a big one, of course! du-uh?!). Just two or three teardrops falling on my cheek. It stoped. And that fren said sorry and tell me everything, yes EVERYTHING. Everything i never knew before. I felt so relieved. Maybe if this didn't happen, i never know what is really happen on our both life. Til now.
I did mention that i was about to leave my job here. I didn't know it would affect so much to other people. But now it seems that i have to face the reality that my dear friends will be resign faster than me.
Oh well well..
Posted by lilsy at Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
As others walk her shores..
lovers hand in hand...
I find myself here all alone..
sitting on the sand...
The ocean calls so softly to me..
"Lilsy..You are not alone. Come to me.., I will take you home...."
I make my way toward her...
the tears roll down my face..
she promises to take me to another time and place...
A place where all is happy..
where I will feel no pain..
As I look out beyond her..
I hear her call my name...
I step into her beauty..
she tells me come on in..
I quietly go forward...
a new journey does begin...
Her waves encompass round me..
she takes me out of sight...
Her gentleness does guide me..
toward the brightest light..
" There is no need for fear", she holds me lovingly..
she knows just where I need to go..
this lady of the sea..
My troubles disappear..
and I feel no more alone..
her voice continues calling me..
till I find myself back home...
i suddenly felt like going to the beach, walking on the seashore, leaving my footprints there.. then sitting on the soft, golden sand while waiting for the sun to set down.. watching the sky turns to red.. enjoying the horizon spreading its magnificent colour.. and playing with the cool water of the sea that hits my toes with its soft splash..i still feel like the ocean's calling me.. and i'm missing the smell of the sea...
Posted by lilsy at Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
..perempuan yg menghitung rindu..
dan iya.."kalaupun aku mati sebelum mimpi itu terwujud..
perempuan itu menghitung rindu satu-persatu
tergagap gugup di langit tak berpintu
mencuba tawarkan asa pada jiwa yang membisu
dia ingkari luka-luka di hatinya
berjuta senyum dia tebar lewat matanya
meski belati telah menusuk, merajam
semua tangis dia simpan dalam diam
dia sembunyikan duka-duka di dadanya
tak dia ceritakan isak derita yang membelenggu
namun segala ragu dibunuh dalam dakapan
maka hanyutlah semua mimpi-mimpinya yang kesekian...
aku lega telah menitipkannya pada dia.."
p/s alhamdulillah..tahniah buat Faiz ( along aka dinswok) yg bakal masuk UNIMAS..isk jauhnyerr along pergi..wish you luck dear..
Posted by lilsy at Monday, June 19, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
..Happy Birthday Aulia :)
~Nur Irdina Aulia~
Mama's first contraction came around 6am. Mama was having morning bath for morning shift work when mama felt that hurting sensation in tummy. Mama measured the time ~ 5 minute interval. Another 4 weeks to go..but the sensation of pain became unbearable @36/52 of fregnancy. And mama knew it was time to deliver you dear.
Mama remember crying on the way, trying so hard to stand the excruciating pang of hurt that attacked mama's waist and stomach. Tears rolled down ma's cheeks and all mama wanted was to deliver you safely into this world and not care about anything else. When the Doctor Z examined, he told me that it was still a long way before you could come out and meet mama, so mama waited. Mama waited with tears welled in ma's eyes, trying to bear all the things mama felt in the lower part of body. When mama wasn't able to stand it any longer, mama asked the nurse to inject Pethidine to ease the pain. The previous experience delivering your brother pretty much taught me that there is an instant relief for this pain. In the end, mama had ceaserean section after blood pressure increasing each at half-hour intervals.
Finally, June 17th at 9.05am five years ago in 2001, mama saw your tiny face for the very first time. Mama remember holding you in mama's arms for a few minutes before they took you away and mama slipped into some kind of delirium from exhaustion and fatigue. And this morning you woke up with a smile on your face, knowing today is the day you entered mama's life some five years ago.
Happy birthday, dear. Thank you for all the joy you've brought into mama's life. For making each day worth living. For all those good morning kisses you give me each time mama wake up. May God give you strength to live this life to its fullest. May He keep you safe from harm and always protect you from those who wish you harm. A big hug and lots of kisses from mama and abang.
Posted by lilsy at Saturday, June 17, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
~taken by me via telescope 2 yrs ago
Last night someone told me to go out to have a look at the moon, saying that it was very beautiful from his end of the universe. I went out only to find a dark cloudy sky with no moon to be seen. Come to think of it, I haven't been much of a moon dreamer. I've always been a star gazer. I sometimes go out at night, just for the sake of the stars.
Well, i barely slept at night and now I'm in dire need of some Nescafe. My nose bleeds are acting up again and I am really pissed off with it. I still refuse to go see a doctor, though. Somehow, I'm sure it's nothing serious. Maybe I just need to read less and sleep more at nights...
p/s Thanks to a sweet soul who sent her favourite song to me through email, plus the lyrics too...wishing you luck in your exam to my dear Ana, Hafeziftiqar and Syaroll..
Posted by lilsy at Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
Now Itsy Bitsy spider went up the spout again!
aulia was singing these rhyme song along my way to oncall last night..
she standing behind my car seat and creating the finger rhyme according to Barneys and friends action..she love trying to mimic the actions of Itsy Bitsy Spider song..maybe the movements and actions of Itsy Bitsy Spider helps her to improve her manual dexterity whilst repeating the words of the song...i hope so :)
Posted by lilsy at Thursday, June 15, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:38:42 AM): i would like to take care of you with simple way
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:39:43 AM): such simple way...
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:40:27 AM): that chosen by cloud to the wind which make him simply disappear
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:40:45 AM): i would like to take care of you with simple way
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:40:50 AM): such simple way...
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:41:17 AM): that chosen by chosen by wood to the fire which make him simply burned out
xxxxx(6/13/2006 10:45:15 AM): okay, dear. i have to back to the meeting.. meet again soon ya.
Posted by lilsy at Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
i miss someone far away...
the rain last night
left a puddle on my door
with reflections of your face
dancing in its ripple
i shed a tear
for you, my dear
though you’re not near
you’ll always be here
Posted by lilsy at Tuesday, June 13, 2006